I really never thought I’d get here. With tears streaming, down my face, this will be the most open, honest and laid bare post I ever make.
But in the words of coldplay “if you never try, then you never know”
I will indeed try to “fix you”
Here is a quick recap, since I was 3 years old, I only ever ate crisp, chocolate and haribo type sweets.
That was all, I was paralysed by fear to even talk about food, social events were horrific, there was no romantic Meals, all there was, was this eating disorder.
There were issues in my personal life that caused me to comfort eat, now, for legal purposes reasons I can’t talk about them just yet, but by the time I have wrote my book, they will be in there. And the reasons behind hitting 40 are, trut me, mind blowing……
Someone, once threw spag boll sauce across my face, this was supposed to be someone close to me, I was that scared of food, I ran for the shower and I didn’t come out for hours.
So I had quite a big project here, how the hell do I do it, it’s been 27 years, I was 40 stone, paralysed with fear and fat, with 2 amazing kids that I simply HAD to fix myself for, they deserve the best dad as they are the best kids you can ask for.
I knew I couldn’t lose weight and fix an eating disorder at the same time, I simply wasn’t strong enough, most people don’t have it in them to lose 26 stone of excess fat, let alone the other battles I had to fight
I looked at the war and I then drew the battle lines in the sand….
So I chose to fix my weight, I dropped from 39 Stone to 13 stone, on a diet of crisps and chocolate, I grew more than I ever thought I could, I became a machine, setting kom’s on Strava, almost dipping under 3 hours on the Manchester to Blackpool despite riding solo, riding with pain, anger, focus, no one could tuch me, I became unstoppable……..the mental toughness to beat that weight on THAT diet was, incredible,
I was being told I was an inspiration
But I didn’t feel it
I was a good cyclists, on a crap diet, I knew, with a proper eating structure, I could take on the best, but it was just a Dream, I had my disorder for 27 years. I was feeling that I was getting too od to fix it. There were so many battles, did I have the strength left, I was battle scarred but battle hardened.
Men don’t feel comfortable talking about eating disorders, we I’m gonna blow that sky high, I’ll be the most outspoken man who has suffered more thn one eating disorder that there has ever been, I’m going to raise the profile for male suffers and get more help going.
Then , like divine intervention, something happened, something that changed my life forever, I was handed the right “motivator “to do this, I had the toughness, I just needed the reason, I had to learn to cook, to be comfortable with food and boy, did I ever, within a week I was master of the kitchen orchestra.
It felt great, and then, further divine intervention gave me some real support, some genuine help, a rock, sent by a guardian angle, I started trying bits of my cooking here and there……
Then, almost overnight, I was in recovery, and in the first few weeks I ate
But I wasn’t fixed, see people with selective eating disorder hate more than one different thing at once a day keep the list of safe foods small, I was getting better, but I wasn’t close to being fixed, there was also the issue you public eating, how I never would.
I pushed myself hard, I wanted to be fixed, for me, far my future, for the future of my kids and anyone else out there who’s life I enrich
I ate the following
Sweet chilli wrap, with salad and mayo
KFC hot wings
Mexican burger from maccy d’s
Chicken and chutney burger
Beef burgers with reggae reggae
Reggae reggae wraps
With the exception of the last 2 I loved them all.
But I didn’t feel cured
Today I do, its been over 4 weeks since I ate a crisp and just 6 weeks since I started this journey, 27 years of learned behaviour has been eliminated in just weeks!!!!! , no crisps, out of choice, I’m not not denying myself anything, I simply don’t want them, life is so much better without
A few weeks ago I got closer, with some public eating
This weekend is what showed me I was fixed , a friend and I went for a Meal together, see, 7weeks ago I wouldn’t eat infront of anyone but a hand full of people, again since then, I have been eating in fast food joins (I know) without issue, but this was a meal, it wasn’t like the rest. I was a little apprehensive, but it felt so natural, I loved the meal, the setting, the company, the experience, I now get it why people talk about food.
But that wasn’t enough for me, so Sunday, was meal time with one of my kids, pizza hut this time, taxan bbq wings, chicken strips with dip, garlic bread and a veggie supreme pizza (millions of bits) on I loved having different things on the table, tastes, smells, mmmm, of course I didn’t eat everything, don’t worry folkes, I’ll never ever get back with my old self, fat gaz, you’ll never see that man again.
Food is sooooo filling, crisps are not, going for meals is great, being scared, isn’t.
I’m fixed, cured, happy with my new found food relationship, I can’t pretend I’ve done it all myself, but I’m immensely proud of what I have achieved and in such a short time.
Next up is a curry with Chris and joby, any other cyclist wanna join us?
Oh and some of Alberto contadors steak ;0)
I’m not the person I was 3 weeks ago, never mind 3 years, I can walk tall amount men now.
I feel that I can now move on in life, the next few chapters will be amazing, I now have the nutrition to go race, and I’ve the toughness to get the job done in the sprint finish
Could a former 39 Stone Cyclist, with past eating disorders become a race winner????
I dare you to bet against me!!!!!!!
Think this is the end??????? There are many more chapters to my story and why I was who I was, we’re are just getting started on the truth behind weight and eating, so pass this on and lets move forward